me sabotaging me

So, when I weighed myself today my weight went down a little bit, to 146.8, but it's still not as low as it was a couple of weeks ago. Whatever, I'm a big girl, I told myself I wasn't going to get discouraged as long as I was losing. But still, in the back never-quiet corners of my paranoid brain I was thinking “What gives?”

Well, I was diligently doing my food diary and calorie count tonight, and since it was the 31^st, I went back and looked at my daily totals for the month. Low and behold, I stuck to my goal only a third of the days.

Suckage. Major suckage.

Granted, most of those other days I was only a one or two hundred calories out of that range, I guess thinking since I was exercising two hours that day it was okay.

“Self, isn't that kind of attitude what got you up to 155 pounds in the first place?”

“Oh, yeah.”

“So, isn't the fact you truly stuck to your goal a third of the days, and still managed to lose about 10 pretty amazing?”

“I guess so.”

“Doesn't that mean if you stick to that goal more, the weight will come off faster?

“Sounds logical.”

“And you know that goal is realistic and doable, because you already do it a third of the time AND haven't killed anyone in a hunger rage yet?”

“You know, you're right! The only thing I've been doing wrong is letting my old attitude get in the way. I totally CAN do this. I know what works for me. I just need to stick to it! Thanks self.”

“No problem... uh, self?”

“Yeah?”

“Put down that second taco.”

“Oh, yeah.”

And so, that's that. I'm a total dope. I was getting down on the universe for my lack of progress, and it turns out it's just me sabotaging me. Typical. But I'm in the know now and this little issue won't slip by unobserved again. I planned my meals for the first day of June well within my calorie limit. I'm also considering posting a daily calorie count as motivation.

Onward to awesome!

disappointment as motivation

Today I was totally going to write a post about a breakthrough I had with hiking, but then I did my weekly weigh-in and all that was crushed. My weight went up.

Bummer.

Me on the ride home from work: "I figured last week's 145.5 was a fluke brought on by dehydration, but this week I was at 148.8, exactly where I was two weeks ago! Zero progress in two weeks! I thought I would hang on to at least a little bit of that dip. I've been so good this week with my exercise and calorie count. What's a girl gotta do?" On and on with the dark and stormy thoughts. So, instead of bringing all this negativity home, I did not catch the last leg of my bus transfer. I got out early and took a nice 15 minute attitude adjustment walk.

Why am I flipping out so badly? This isn't my first no-progress week. But it is my first TWO no progress weeks in a row. It's my first dip and gain. This happens, right? This happens to everyone. I'm sure.

So when I got home I checked some of my favorite weight loss blogs, girls who have been successful doing things in a positive way like I do, and yes, they too have had dips. I found this graph of sweethinspration's weight loss to be particularly reassuring. She experienced a LOT of no progress weeks, and even a few upticks in weight, and she still ended up losing a ton of weight. Much more than what I have to lose.

So basically, I need to suck it up, tweak my plan, and keep going. Here are some new ideas I'm going to try:

• Beef up lunch, tone down dinner. Divide lunch into two portions, have one at lunch and another as a late afternoon snack. Do this to: prevent metabolism drops, prevent hangry at work, prevent being so hungry at dinnertime that I do grody things like eat a handful of potato chips while I'm cooking.

• Re-measure everything. I've started to eyeball portions when I'm in my own kitchen. That's a no-no. This morning I found out I was underestimating the milk in my coffee. Whoops. Overestimating everything just a little is a great way to completely sabotage yourself. You know better!

• Start taking and posting more photos. (You're a freaking photographer anyway, right?) I wanted to wait to post before and after photos after I actually made some visible progress. But documenting the journey along the way couldn't hurt. And all this hiking has given you nice tan shoulders and collarbones – show off! It'll make you feel good!

• Exercise EVERY day. Especially food “indulgence” days. Rainy? Do a video. Feel like crap? Change it up – try something new. Hungover? Bad girl! Drink water and then go sweat it out! (I actually don't drink that much anymore, but every now and then...)

• More lean protein, less fat. This is gonna be a toughie until I get back to the States and can get my hands on some protein powder. But I can still get tofu and egg whites here. Gotta make it happen.

• Love, respect and take care of myself, no matter what. Guilt is stupid. Punishing myself is stupid. Just get back on the horse and ride faster!

I can do this! I will do this! Stay skinny out there!

weight loss: going well, relationship communication: need to work on

I'm kind of a weirdo. I carry around a lot of baggage leftover from my childhood. I was treated pretty badly in school. (But, who wasn't?) And my well-intentioned parents left me with a lot of issues. (We all have the same story, right?) And either because of that, or just my natural personality, I tend to hold a lot in. This can be good. I have a lot of inner strength and don't rely on other people for validation and attention. But, it can also be bad. Like when my boyfriend constantly asks what I'm thinking because he can't figure me out. He is a good guy and genuinely wants to understand me. I'm lucky.

I've been considering that problem and sorting it out in my head on my own instead of talking about it. (That's the way I do things, but perhaps that's the source of the problem. It's a bitch.) Over the last few days I've been thinking, “Why don't you tell him you're trying to lose weight? He lives with you. He eats with you. He knows you've become a food measuring freak. He can see you're exercising more. He's not going to sabotage you or become a drill sergeant or anything annoying like that. So, what's the problem? Own up. It'll be good for the coalescence of the relationship. And, bonus, he'll stop encouraging you to buy ice cream!

So, we had just finished dinner and were sitting at our friend's bar waiting for them to show up. We were feeling good and happy, so I thought it would be the perfect time to spill it.

“So, there's been something I've been meaning to tell you-”

Just then our friend's daughter walks in to the bar. I was going to tell my boyfriend about my diet in the interests of the relationship. I'm certainly not about to make it anyone else's business.

“But I'll tell you later, it's not a big deal.”

This, my friends, was a huge mistake. Don't ever do that to your poor boyfriend.

Him whispering: “What is it?”

Me whispering: “Nothing. Don't worry about it.”

Him whispering louder: “I'm going to worry. Just tell me. She doesn't understand much English anyway.”

Me (sigh): “It's just about weight-loss.”

Him practically shouting: “You think I need to lose weight?!?”

So a nice spike in the cortisol levels later, all my good intentions are squashed. (You're forgiven Mom and Dad. I understand how meaning well can co awry.) We did end up sorting it out. A little at the bar and a lot later at home. And he totally gets it and is cool. He loves me the way I am, but he wants me to be happy... and less sweaty and grumpy in summer, so he's down with it. He asked me if I wanted him to help me.

Me: “No, but don't ask me if I want a second slice of pizza. And don't bring me home ice cream.”

Him: “Check.”